didn’t have time

I had words caught like flies

The fear, a web thick in my spider’s throat

My child brain fooling my age

that I’d have some time

–always another opportunity

to be.

But human frailty is an ugly thing

That I thought I could ignore it in icy indifference

(I am not capable of such)

You see,

this heart of mine is warm and dripping with emotion and un-numbed pain

It crashes over my frame in blood-waves,

guilty of still being here and alive…

While you, my friend, no longer are.

O’ how I regret as I never have before

Mortality has never felt so close

Not even at “mid-life”

and yet a crisis of a heart-wreck

a train of tears besmeared my gown

My daughter, like the maid, keeps straightening and primping

with Kleenex.

As if wiping away the evidence that I feel

would change the fact that your death

has stopped my inner world.

Outer keeps spinning.

Altogether.

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I never got to say a proper goodbye

On the phone, you rushed off to go use the bathroom.

The package you sent never came, but if it does, I will likely loose

it.

–cue Kleenex yet again–

Oh my dear,

Could I claim that I loved you “best of all”?

I wish I had loved you better.

I thought I had time.

I didn’t.